REUNION
Ouch...
Why the hell don't they use the mail slot like in the old days?
- Ouch. - You okay?
It's just that cheap toilet paper you keep buying. It cuts me up.
And why the damn mood lighting? I can't see a bloody thing.
You wanna impress the girls? Then turn down the gayness.
Shut up. The last time you scored, a cell phone weighed twenty pounds.
Twenty-five...
No, I just need some more light.
Did they boil the letters or what?
Really. They know they're writing to people over the age of forty.
You read it.
"Dear Niels. To all the members of our school's best year ever."
"It's now twenty-five years since we graduated from high school."
"You are therefore invited to a reunion with the old gang."
"You've each been given an assignment.
"Yours is to give a speech for the occasion."
"We look forward to seeing you. PS: Don't forget your cap."
A speech?
Christ...
- Where are you? - There.
Has it really been twenty-five years already?
Shit, that's twice my whole life.
DESIGN AWARD
Going swimming?
- No, it's just the toilet paper. - Listen, Niels...
Your design is impeccable as always. A delight.
But, seriously, it needs a little oomph.
What do you mean?
Some bling.
Some bling? Gunnar, it's a handicap toilet.
Christ, I know that, but...
Maybe we should let Jesper jazz it up a bit.
Jesper? What are you talking about?
Jazz!
It's a deal, then.
Take good care of your butt.
My uncle also thought it was the paper, but he had anal cancer.
Hi, Niels!
It is you, right?
I didn't recognize you at first. You've grown so old and ugly.
It's a good thing you were still hot when I met you.
I'm just joking.
Are you saying I couldn't pull you today?
- That's impossible to answer. - Sure it isn't.
Imagine you've never seen me before and I'll walk in.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
Here I come.
So, what do you think?
I think you need to stop obsessing or you'll sprain your neck.
Jesus...
Leave me alone!
I'm not going to that reunion.
What the hell am I supposed to give a speech about?
You have haemorrhoids.
But that's quite normal for men at our age.
We use a very coarse brand of toilet paper at home.
Right.
Let me just have a feel...
...a bit further up...
...now that the cork is off, so to speak.
Why don't we get better at things as we grow older?
We get worse at seeing, at hearing...
...and taking a dump.
I can't get my finger out when you're this agitated.
Thank you.
I'm writing you a prescription for some ointment you can use.
Would it...
Would it be possible to get some antidepressants?
For you to take every day for the rest of your life?
What do you want me to do then?
Apply a generous amount of ointment two times a day.
And get it as far up as you can.
Thank you!
I never thought I'd get to bang you again.
Again? Have we done it before?
Yeah. Don't you remember?
In the ladies' room, on the changing table.
- Did you do something to your hair? - No.
Oh, now I recognize you!
I'm off to bed. Come by if you're in the mood. Laerke.
Guess who?
- Simone. - So good to see you.
- That was one hell of a show. - Really? Thanks.
When are you and I gonna do it?
- Do you mind? - Chill out. The more the merrier.
What are you talking about?
That sounds fantastic, girls, but no thanks.
See ya!
Or you can have me alone.
They can do those up for you in Sweden.
Easy, boy. We're friends, remember? That's right.
You've been here all night and didn't wake me?
Where are you going?
Just popping down to the bakery for some muffins and rolls.
Thomas?
And a Danish.
- Hey, Niels. - Hi, Thomas.
You can take off the helmet when you're not on the bike.
Sure, but it's important to set a good example.
By wearing a helmet when you're buying muffins?
Next, please.
Right, let me have...
Five rolls.
This must be what it's like being dead.
There you go.
How may I help you?
A ciabatta and four Italian rolls.
- Did you hear about Andreas? - No.
It's insane.
There you go. Anything else?
Let's have four more.
Remember Hanne?
She got so into yoga she totally neglected Andreas.
So he started looking at other girls.
He got so addicted to porn they decided to get counselling.
He doesn't turn me on anymore.
And even though he started listening to her -
- and rubbing her neck instead of jerking off, one day she said:
I've fallen in love with somebody else.
With who?
With Karsten.
- The therapist? - Yep. I know the guy.
- He's twenty nine. - Shit...
Anything else?
- What are those in the next basket? - Spelt rolls.
- I don't want any more. - Spelt rolls? Give me four of those.
Anyway...
She got herself a pair of ass antlers and left him.
He sees his son every other week.
Twenty-five years down the drain.
Wow, he must really hate that therapist.
Yup. And every other guy under the age of thirty.
Now Andreas is obsessed with finding a new girlfriend.
He can't stand being alone.
He probably won't be going to the reunion either.
Do you mind? It's not a public toilet.
Chill, dude. You never been young?
Sure, but I didn't piss all over the bakery!
It's fucking disgusting!
Sure, it's disgusting, but what the hell's eating you?
Thomas, do you remember our last graduation party?
How we laughed at our history teacher?
That's different. Look at Mick Jagger. He's seventy and still playing.
Look at Michael Laudrup. He's our age and not playing at all.
That schmuck retired way too soon.
You need to get out more. To feel you're still alive.
- At the reunion, maybe? - I told you, I'm not going.
You're going to that party and so is Andreas.
What's the matter with you? Is it the speech?
What am I supposed to say? That I have haemorrhoids?
- I can't even pull my own wife. - I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll go away for the weekend, the three of us.
We'll go out, flirt with the ladies. Next day we'll go to the reunion -
- and you give one hell of a speech. Say yes. It'll work.
Your haemorrhoid ointment... Want me to put it in your sponge bag?
- Daddy... - Not now.
- It won't open. - What is it?
My graduation cap. The lock is busted.
Daddy? Daddy...
Leave off with the damn glasses!
There! Thanks.
- You're welcome. - I just needed some more light.
Daddy...
- Daddy... - No way I'm wearing that.
Daddy? Daddy!
Wait a minute, goddammit! Give me a moment's peace!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
- I know. - You know what?
It's hard for me to love you when you keep hating yourself.
- Hey. - Hiya.
- Not exactly a pussy wagon. - No, but it's great for families.
- Hi, Laerke. - Hi.
Here. You'll want something to show your class-mates, too.
Right.
Have a nice trip.
Everything all right?
- Hi, Laerke. - Hi, Andreas.
Hiya. Hi, Niels. Are we off?
Take it easy.
Sorry.
- What's in the canister? - Helium. I'm in charge of balloons.
I'm supposed to sing a song and Niels is giving a speech.
Thank God I'm not the one. Having to look a fool in front of the class -
- and be laughed at for the next twenty-five years.
Thanks for giving me writer's block.
Just take some helium, then.
- Shit, I'm so excited. - It's gonna be great.
- Why're you sitting on a swim ring? - I've got haemorrhoids.
So, are you and Laerke back together?
- We're not together. - Then what are you?
- Friends with benefits? - What's this?
- Put that back. - Do you use it on your way to work?
Well, my nose hairs are growing.
And my ass hairs are growing. You should mention that in your speech.
- I told you to put it back. - Goddammit.
Will Hanne be there?
- No idea. We don't talk anymore. - Not at all?
No. She left me, so she's the one who should stay away.
- I'm not sure she'd agree. - Just avoid each other then.
- And what about Victor? - That's the worst part.
It's so tough only having him part time.
I hate having to return him to her.
But don't you appreciate all the free time you have?
Unlike you, I happen to like children.
Who says I don't like children?
Then how come you haven't gotten any?
It wasn't me.
Ask them if they'd like to get laid.
Hi there.
Ask them if they'd like to get laid.
Out riding your bikes, eh?
- Are you laughing at me? - The light turned green
Aw, shut up.
It's red.
Oops. We've got company.
Are you cruising for pussy or a bruising?
Do we get to pick? I'll have some pussy, then.
Three horny senior citizens in a Berlingo? Fat chance.
Now move it, or I'll kick your fucking ass.
You looking for trouble, ass-wipe?
- What are you doing? - Who do they think they are?!
They fuck our wives, steal our jobs and laugh at us!
I'm so fucking tired of them and their stupid tattoos!
- What are you doing? - Throwing a Christian Bale.
Is anyone not coming?
Lange won't be there. He died last summer.
Lange? The guy who wore shorts all year round?
He was at Tivoli Gardens with his wife and kids.
And just like that he fell dead from an embolism.
Jesus Christ... Had he bought a ride pass?
- What do you mean? - That's a lot of money wasted.
- Are you feeling okay? - Sure.
Have I ever told you that I love you?
- Eva might be there. - Big-butt Eva?
- Yes! - Get off it, Niels.
That's the reunion cliché numero uno.
Trying to nail the girl you never got to nail.
- Anything wrong with that? - Just leave some girls for me.
I can't even feel the haemorrhoids anymore.
Hiya.
It looks like everyone got sick and sent their parents instead.
I just love this informal atmosphere.
Hold these. I'm gonna say hello to everyone.
Hi there. Way to go.
- Hello, Niels. - Ole!
So good to see you! Remember physics class?
What do we do with these?
Tie 'em to Hanne and let her float up under the ceiling -
- with her ass antlers, hoping that someone'll shoot her down.
There you go.
- Love your music. - Thanks.
I don't remember you being in our class.
This might turn out okay after all.
Looking good!
But what about Laerke?
I'm back!
Buenos dias, homies.
I just spoke to Hanne. So it's over between you two?
Oh well. We all need a change of scenery once in a while.
Did you bag a wife, Niels, or are you still obsessing about Eva?
Get a load of that. Big-butt Eva. She can sit on my face any day.
- It's so good to see you, man. - You too, Niels.
Easy, Niels...
That's enough.
Evening, everybody, and welcome. I'm your toast master for the evening.
I just hope that I can -
- do the job well enough to pass -
- according to the new 13-scale.
Which stops at 12.
The food, as you can see, is a buffet -
- so feel free to choose whatever you'd like.
There will be entertainment while we eat.
Among others things, I've written a song.
And someone has written a speech.
Maybe you should look the speech over once more.
So you can nail all the ladies and have me moon the elderly? No way.
Where is Eva?
Maybe we should...
Whoopsy daisy!
Never mind, never mind.
- What the hell are you doing? - It was for the nachos.
Are you out of your mind?
- It was an accident. - It doesn't matter.
It looks like the Hulk blew his load on you.
I'll just take off the shirt.
You're not taking it off here.
Just chill. There she is.
Niels, goddammit...!
Andreas, you and Thomas are my best buddies in the world.
I'll be back.
- Nice and clean. - It's soaking wet.
You can't wear that. Have you been smoking something or what?
No. It's just a rainy day pill that Sanne gave me.
- Are you on E? - I've no idea, but it's great.
Andreas, I haven't been this happy since we won the Euro '92.
- You need to calm down. - Can you buy 'em over the counter?
- Hi. - Hi there.
You don't remember me?
Nope. I'm gonna need a hint.
What if I say...
...the green mattress in the gymnasium?
- Tine! - No, Lulu, goddammit.
Lulu!
Have you met my daughter? She's waiting tables tonight.
Your daughter?
And then we have two boys, ages eight and twelve.
But they're not home-made, they're adopted.
- That sounds kinda nice, actually. - It really is. I'm happy.
Have you got any kids?
No, I've got a dog.
You know, on and off.
Oh, here you are.
Niels is on drugs.
- What? - Drugs.
- Let's take this off. - Is it better to be naked?
It's much better!
Pink is no good.
- What about... - Do I have to wear anything?
Hey, this one's mine.
Wow! This is so cool!
Come on.
Does he look a tiny bit gay?
Eva! Come sit over here at the good table.
So good to see you.
What are you doing? I was here first.
There's room for the both of us. I'm totally gonna sit next to Eva.
But I'm not sitting next to you. You're insane.
Eva, you look even more beautiful than you did back then.
You're exaggerating. But thanks, anyway.
- Are you married? - No.
Got any kids?
A boyfriend?
- Not that either. - Have you been hiding under a rock?
Maybe Andreas and I should look over the speech, just in case.
No way, it's golden!
Here you go.
Great! A song!
Niels, you shouldn't mix...
Relax, I've got it under control.
- You know what I could do? - What?
If I nail Lulu's daughter...
...I'd be scoring a hat-trick.
Then you'd have to sleep with Lulu's mom, too.
- You bonked the granny? - She wasn't a granny back then.
Look at her.
All right, she's gone.
I need a girlfriend so bad.
You know what? You're totally ready for that.
- You think? - Hell no.
This is our family getaway on the Côte d'Azur.
Lemme just borrow this.
Andreas! Andreas!
- Take a look at this. - I'm in the middle of something.
Tom is doing so well. This is his summer home on the...
- What was the name again? - Côte d'Azur.
And there's his wife. Isn't she just beautiful?
And those are real ones, too.
Niels, come on...
Andreas...
- He's not speaking to you. - Right.
- That's very mature. - I know. Isn't he the best?
- I just wanna know how he's doing. - Andreas? He's doing great.
We've just had the craziest night out.
What about you? You must be doing pretty good -
- ever since you got rid of his wrinkly old ass.
- I don't dislike his ass. - Sure.
But Karsten's tight young ass must be a bit better, right?
Just so you know, I didn't leave Andreas because of his age.
I left because we were miserable together.
Besides, he's the best father in the whole world.
I'm back, everybody.
Before Niels Boedker gives his reunion speech...
...it's time for some more entertainment...
...of the professional variety.
Thomas is going to sing for us.
Would I be able to pull you today?
Yes or no?
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking: "Who's that old hag in there?"
"I'm at least fifteen years younger than that worn-out sack of shit."
I'm probably just tired.
Are you out of touch? Afraid you can't score anymore?
You're wondering if you'll ever get your self-confidence back.
This is where I step up to help you.
- Have you seen Niels? - No.
- Niels! - Andreas, get up here.
Hold my sperm letter, just in case.
- I thought you loved Laerke. - I do.
- Then what are you doing with her? - Thomas, are you coming?
It's a hat-trick, baby.
No, it's a comforter. You're afraid of losing Laerke if she reads this.
If you love her, then fight for her, no matter what it says.
Where did you read that? Some women's magazine?
Not at all. It was something psycho Karsten said once.
Go find Niels instead.
He's up right after the custard, so I'm pressed for time.
Knock it off, Niels. You're drunk.
Where do you wanna do it? The physics lab?
Drop it, Niels. This party's tough enough for me as it is.
What's with the negative vibes?
Everyone else is married and has kids.
I've got nothing to brag about.
If you say yes, you can brag about nailing me.
Get down here.
This isn't working. We shouldn't be doing this.
At least I shouldn't.
Guess who?
Simone?
Right.
It's time for the reunion speech -
- given by Niels Boedker, but Niels isn't here right now.
He didn't do his homework.
Let's hope he didn't get sent to the principal's office.
That must be the booze talking.
Speech! Speech! Speech!
- Go stall them while I find Niels. - What?
- Just go improvise. - I'm not saying anything.
You can do it. Go.
Andreas. I think everybody remembers you.
Well...
Well, while we...
...wait for the speaker of the evening, Niels...
...I thought I might say a few words...
...about myself and...
You're horny!
Actually, I'm not. Not really. But I'm...
I'm sad, actually.
Hanne and I were married and really failed at it...
...so right now I'm thinking...
...how it would be nice if somehow we could...
...succeed at not being married...
...and being good friends.
And that, of course, starts with me.
I need to start talking to you...
...which I haven't...
But I'm doing it now.
I'll probably never...
...grow all that fond of your new boyfriend, Karsten.
But then, I'm not the one who's gonna have his...
...well-polished nuts in my mouth.
This is going down hill, but I'm not the speaker tonight.
If you need a girlfriend, here's my number.
Give me one last shot. Check this out. I scraped against the hair.
You could've dyed them blue, I still wouldn't look.
All right. If you won't, I'll take second best.
You look amazing, but that's Big-butt Eva!
- It's just not the same, is it? - Want me to punch him?
Never mind. He looks like he's fucked up already.
If you're looking to feel better about yourself, don't look in the mirror.
All right, then where do you want me to look?
What are you doing? You're up.
I almost have her. Just wait until she hears the speech.
Holy shit... "Speech, speech."
I'm going in.
I'll be back. We're not done yet.
- Niels, don't give that speech. - But it's my lottery ticket.
I know I said that, but I was wrong. You shouldn't give that speech.
They're gonna beg for an encore.
Niels, don't do it.
- Simone! - What?
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Sorry, it took me so long -
- but you're not leaving here tonight without hearing the reunion speech.
It's right here.
Need some glasses?
Never mind. I know what I want to say.
It's been twenty-five years. So much has happened.
Of course, had it been thirty years, even more would have happened.
But it's been twenty-five.
Twenty-five years have gone by
All right!
There's a song for ya!
I wanna show you something funny. Check this shit out...
Hello, everybody. If you think I sound a bit weird...
Just a moment. The show must go on.
That's better.
Hanne, show us your ass antlers.
Come on. Please?
Hanne's got a pair of ass antlers.
Come on, Hanne. Show us your ass antlers.
We all wanna see 'em.
I'll show you my haemorrhoids, then.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It happens when you get older.
It hurts like hell.
And you still need to shit, even though you're over forty.
I'll go start up the car.
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